U-N-C

In my last post, my rheumatologist said it was OK for me to take the conservative treatment route until I cried Uncle. I'm more than half way to crying "Uncle." And I mean crying.

My horrible morning is now affecting my afternoon. As I was getting baby Katie ready for daycare this morning – she started this week – everything came to a head. The pain and stiffness has been wearing me down, being up at night to feed the baby has been wearing me down and having to part with my precious newborn has been eating at me all week. A minor argument with my husband over how exactly to prepare the bottles for daycare was the proverbial straw. A brief bout of shouting brought tears of frustration, anger and resentment that just kept flowing. Even now as I recall it, I'm tearing up. The pain makes it all worse – or is it the other way around?

Even as I was in the midst of a good cry this morning, my rational self was thinking, "This is just the pregnancy hormones shifting downward suddenly." But then I wondered if it could be the inflammation building. What came first this week? Did feeling down about having to put Katie in daycare at only 9 weeks of age increase my inflammation, which increased my pain? Or has the inflammation, which has been increasing since late in my pregnancy, finally trigger a bit of depression, which caused me to feel stressed out, overly tired and in pain? I study released last week suggests the latter explanation is most likely. German researchers say an increase of inflammation-causing cytokines can cause an imbalance in the brain that leads to a deficiency of serotonin and an increase in feelings of depression.

I could almost feel the bad chemicals flowing through my blood vessels as my stress level rose. I tried to calm down -- I didn't want to upset the baby. I continued getting her ready for daycare, with tears running down my face. She stared at me as if she knew something was wrong and then she smiled, like she wanted to cheer me up! I nursed her and she smiled. I changed her diaper and she smiled. She was completely carefree and happy, and I didn't want to screw that up.

I re-did my makeup and took Katie to daycare, trying to be my usually happy self, and it almost worked. Even though it's only day four at Katie's daycare, the caregiver seemed to sense that I had been upset this morning. I admitted to a certain level, but didn't go into how much the pain in my joints seemed to magnify the difficulty of leaving Katie for the day. Just yesterday, the same woman had commented on Katie's long fingers. I told her (as I stated in a previous blog entry) that Katie apparently had my grandmother's pretty, delicate hands, although I only saw her hands gnarled and curved because she had RA so bad. I didn't tell her I had it, too, or that I worried Katie someday would as well. Maybe I was too tired to get into a conversation about it or felt it was too soon in our new relationship to divulge such personal information. Looking back now, it was a great opportunity to educate and advocate, but I just wasn't in the frame of mine then.

I came back home and sat down at my desk. I read the news of the day. I made a note to check into the possibility of flu shots helping to reduce the risk of heart attacks, which occur more often and are more often fatal during cold and flu season. I tried to understand how overriding President Bush's veto of the State Children's Health Insurance Program could affect those of you out there on Medicare who need a 'breakthrough" medicine to treat your arthritis. I saw the irony in a new study that will be released tomorrow: the way brain cells communicate with each other may provide the ability or inability to cope with stress and depression. Depressed people showed a 40-percent increase in levels of a compound called BDNF, and researchers theorize that keeping BDNF from being released into a specific part of the brain could increase coping ability. I secretly hoped that today's meltdown was due to a temporary surge of BDNF and that my brain cells would get back to communicating well today. I did a task for a co-worker, though, and admitted I really needed a nap, a walk and a big cup of coffee. I tried to think but felt foggy and just stared at the piece I'm working on for a while. I drank the big cup of coffee. I took a 20-minute nap around noon. But still, my mind just doesn't seem to be working today. I apologize, as I'm trying to work on pieces for all of you to read in the magazine or on the Web site, but maybe tomorrow will be more productive. I'll go exercise later and try to clear the cobwebs. I'll try to get some extra sleep tonight. And I'll feel much better when I get to hold Katie again at the end of the day.

Til then, I'll just have to accept the fact that, being a human with a chronic condition, there will be good days and bad days, and that the bad days also are only 24 hours long. I'm well into those 24 hours, so things should be looking up soon.