Meet Katie! She's Not Perfect.

Here, my first baby, Steven, and what will be my last baby, Katie. He's a proud big brother, and I'm so proud of him for being so tender with her at what is such a tough age. He'll be 14 on his upcoming birthday. I know 14 years is quite a span for siblings; I never thought I'd have a child in my 40s. I do remember saying back when I was 16 or so and was dreaming with my girlfriends about our futures, that I'd want to have four kids. But, who really puts stock in those teenage whims? When my daughter Abby was born nearly 9 years ago, and I was 33, I thought that was the end of my childbearing years. After all, 15 months before Abby, I had given birth to our son Ryan. At 33, we had been blessed with three great, healthy kids. Why would we want to tempt fate? Our family felt complete – or so I thought.

I have to admit, now that a fourth child is here, she's filled a void I never really knew was there. I'm thrilled to have another baby, although I never thought I would. My husband and I never planned to have another one, partly because my doctor told me I was premenopausal and then that news was topped with the diagnoses of both autoimmune thyroid disease and rheumatoid arthritis. Baby Katie has proven to me that my body is powerful and resilient, even though it's affected by two chronic diseases. My body isn't perfect, but you know what? Either is my brand-new baby! Just a few weeks into her life, she's already afflicted with sensitive skin. She has eczema on her face. She has a few mood swings. She can't see more than a few inches in front of her yet. She can't hold anything, stand or walk. She's healthy, for sure, but she's not perfect. Yet she smiles. She trusts completely. She makes happy sounds. She oozes love. Even though she's brand new to this world, she's not perfect – and boy doesn't that take the pressure off of trying to get there! If newborn babies aren't perfect, why do we adults think we can achieve perfection? How stress-relieving it would be to realize that although we'll never be perfect, we are born with all we need for life.

Like I said in the last post, I've spent alot of the past 6 weeks just staring at Katie. And I've been thinking about how life starts, how it ends and how it is filled in the middle. At just six weeks old, Katie has already taught me an important life lesson: just relax, trust and be happy. And have confidence that your body will do what it needs to do, when it needs to do it. Hers will do what it needs to grow from here on out. Mine did what it needed to during pregnancy. That doesn't mean I won't try to continue to improve my body and health now that I won't ever be pregnant again. On the contrary! I've been given an amazing opportunity to regain faith in my body and I don't want to waste it. I want to put it to good use to keep my RA at bay. I'm fortunate to have lost more weight than I gained during pregnancy. Who knows whether that's from an increased metabolism or having to pay really close attention to my diet and activity? Regardless, I'm going to run with the positive change -- literally. My goal is to run again. Maybe it's a desire to run away from the RA that was mostly quiet during pregnancy, so it won't be able to catch up with me. The stiffness and soreness is increasing in my fingers, wrists, feet and ankles -- I won't let it take hold.

I'll certainly work up to running, slowly and wisely. I've been walking and doing some abdominal exercises since Katie was born, but this week I'll re-start working out with some weights. I'll keep you posted on my progress (and Katie's!), and will share tips and news I learn along the way. Feel free to post a comment and do the same! None of us are perfect, but we can make the most of our amazing opportunities to live, love, trust and be happy -- whether with our bodies, our relationships or our lot in life.

Rediscovery

Welcome back to the blog! I've been on a brief hiatus since giving birth to a little girl on August 10. Katie, our fourth child and second daughter, was born into a family who was completely ready and excited for her arrival, yet so completely overwhelmed by the miracle of it all. The photo I'm sharing here is of Katie's two older brothers and sister, as well as her Nana, seeing her for the first time. (Note my teenage son with cell phone in hand -- his baby sister's photo is now the wallpaper on his phone's screen. So much for his thinking it was no big deal I was pregnant again!)

So why haven't I blogged sooner? Well, besides the adjustment to having a new baby around -- sleep deprivation, seemingly constant nursing, diaper changes and squeezing in quick showers -- I have been spending time simply staring at my baby. First or fourth, it still amazes me, and always will.

I try to take in all her petite features -- burn the image of her rosebud lips, tiny nose and big blue eyes into my brain for future reminiscing. I listen intently to the sound of her breathing and capture the smell and softness of her skin and the full range of expressions she already has. While staring, I'm just amazed that although she's so small, she's entirely complete. I instantly noticed how long and slender her fingers were, how delicate and pretty her hands and nails looked. My mom tells me my grandmother -- the one who died of RA when I was a toddler -- also had beautiful, long fingers before RA took hold. Sadly, those beautiful fingers and hands ended up so gnarled and dysfunctional. I pray that Katie never has that fate.

Next post: baby pix!

Take care,
Donna